Saturday, February 21, 2009

Conflicted

Hey, there's great news around here. Lots of babies coming! Two castmates are expecting, one in March and on in May. Then two officemates at the law firm are expecting, one in July, and I don't know when the other is...sometime around then, too. Then a theater friend just announced her pregnancy. I think she's wanted kids for a long time, but the marriage thing just didn't come around until fairly recently, so you know how that goes. So much joy!

Except that it really pisses me off. Now I never really expected the grief to go away completely. Sometimes I don't think about it at all, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm angry. But to be absolutely surrounded by all these gestations is putting me in a tough place. I can't set it aside, lay the bookmark down on my grief and set the whole thing down, and say, "I'll take you up later." It just doesn't work. It's right there, in my face.

I want it. I want it, like wanting a championship, or a degree, or a role, but turned up to 11. I want my baby back. He died, but I want him.

4 comments:

Rachel Sacks Bowen said...

Sending you hugs.

Karol said...

my heart (love/sorrow) goes out to you

VenetianBlond said...

Thanks. Grief is certainly non-linear. You never know when it will sneak up on you and tap you on the shoulder.

Nicole said...

I think it's still very much a painful spot in all of our hearts. And it does sneak up when you least expect it...like Christmas when Mom cleans her purse. I wish I had wise words, but I don't. All I'll say is that I don't mind one bit if you don't cover your tattoo in October.