Friday, May 12, 2006

What a long strange trip it's been

I'm back! After a real rollercoaster this last month, I'm back to something of normal life. Although it's different than it was before. In March, my husband and I were thrilled to discover that we were pregnant! The tough part is that I am one of those who suffers from extreme morning sickness (hyperemesis gravidarum) so I missed a lot of work, was in the ER for IV fluids, and was in for general unpleasantness. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Until the ultrasound. At 11 weeks, the ultrasound showed no viable embryo. They call it "blighted ovum" but in general terms it's categorized as a miscarriage. Talk about a shocker. Especially since I was still experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy. I have never felt so much that my body had betrayed me. If I ask it to lift a heavy weight, or run faster, or hike longer, it generally does. And now it pulls this on me.

So we had to deal with all the 5 stages of grief in a matter of days. First item of business was convincing my traitorous body that I was not, after all, pregnant. Then telling all the people who knew, that we weren't pregnant after all. Including my 4 year old son. Who cried. And said with surprising energy, "I want my baby brother back." Whew.

But the support and kindness that others have shown is truly heartwarming. Not to mention the number of people who shared that they have gone through the same thing. It's surprising how common it is, once you actually talk about it.

It's difficult to convey what an emotional experience miscarriage is. Especially when you've not yet "seen" what you're grieving. It's the idea of the baby, more so than the clump of cells. I had already washed and organized my maternity clothes. Planned out doctor's appointments. Quit performing and other responsibilities. And all for naught.

I can truly say I'm enjoying my new free time with my family, and we're all closer because of the experience. Now I can pick and choose my activities and only commit myself to what I really want to do. Which might be, just maybe, to try this whole thing again.


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